A thought it would be nice to see you again..

I did several things today that I shouldn't have. One was arrive at work late again, for the third time this week. Another was eating the last krsipy kreme donut left in the box. But the worst one was stepping out in front of that car.

Aplogies to the driver. If you ever even read this, you'll still probably hate me. And long after your gone, the stories you may have told your kids would cause them to hate me too. But rightly so I guess. Who the hell am I to be stepping out randomly in front of your car on a busy four lane road with my head in the clouds, while you drive along happily for a day trip to the zoo with your wife and kids to see the big scary lions you promised your little boy would roar really loud if you asked them nicely?

Stupid girl.

But my confession now is this:
Maybe.. I stepped out intensionally. Maybe.. I didnt care whose bloody car it was. Maybe.. I was pissed that your reflexes were so goddam sharp and you managed to stop in time. Maybe.. I thought it would be a nice day in heaven today, and Marianna and I could loose ourselves in the colours of freedom..
Whose day was ruined now?

Why the hell does the sun shine so brightly in spring when its the saddest time of my year?

***

Developement #1:
Murmerings of Will's return have been circulating.

Developement #2:
"...and who would want to pay money for these photographs??" ugh.. poison. utter Poison.

Developement #3:
Two more kilos have said, "hello friend" whilst being welcomed to the neighbourhood of my already over populated thighs...

I need a bevvie.

Inspiration in my Bamboo Haven

So the recent Garden Adventures in the BoTan have been a great way to clear my mental mayhem. While the heat is no longer a heat wave, it still seems to have done substantial damage to my accute awareness, and it's taken days, if not weeks, for me to feel even close the peace I felt since before my menacing night out with Lena. Needless to say, whatever trouble we unleashed on Catani Gardens is still to catch up with us... Kharma has never been my friend, although I think i've been reasonably good up until my one very-Lena-influenced lapse.

Being at the BoTan helped me think. Its not so easy to clear your head space from all the unnecessary clutter acquired over the last few months. I'm glad I found this quiet slice of privacy. I've lovingly dubbed it my Bamboo Haven.
I suppose the tranquility allowed me to be at ease with myself again. I actually felt like dancing again while I was alone in there. I've gone through the idea over and over again since - could I really do it? Am I ready for it? Weighing up the pros and cons:

Pros:
Dancing is my whole life and its all I know
I'm good at it (and not to say that in any sort of arrogant way, but its actually something that I am genuinely good at.)
It's my way of expressing myself creatively.

Cons:
Her. I'm always and constantly reminded of her.
Every twirl, leap, step, every jump, every time I step on the floor, close my eyes, every time I even just think of dancing I think of Her.






Its awfully sad and terrifying flying solo...

Trouble Trouble

It's days like today, when the heatwave ends and sanity returns, that I find myself sitting alone nursing my throbbing headache and battered conscience, asking myself where my I had left my inhibitions, attempting to join the dots but failing miserably.
Note to self: When out with Lena... remember to pack a spare pair of knickers? don't do drugs? make her drink it before you do? remind yourself you're not gay?
Sigh...
Thankfully, the UDI (Unidentified Drunken Injury) count is not that high and the largest bruise is about the size of a 50cent coin on my upper outer thigh. So I've evaded the battered housewife glares this time around.
UN-thankfully, there is a stream of photographic evidence that spills the beans on our random acts of rambunctious behaviour. Must remind myself to hunt... and destroy.


Found a bit of Luck that might help for next time though. After all, what goes on tour, stays on tour... right?


***

A terrible discovery:

My favourite t-shirt is ruined. Beach-ruined. Who should I hold responsible for this tragedy? Sigh...
The others must be getting sick of my acting out. I know I really should get a grip and pull myself together... but really, i'm having far too much fun. I don't want to have to stop before the party ends.
It really is a tragedy about my shirt though. It was my discreet-but-oh-so-special RaW t-shirt. Designed it myself... can't get that replaced now can I? The answer is no. That last part was rhetorical.

ML: I miss you

Three things which are embedded in my heart and are causing it to bleed out:

-A harsh realisation in a letter from Will.
-Sasha, J.J. and Lucas have left the country.
-I'm missing Marianna more than I can bare.

The first point fills me with so many vile emotions I swear I can feel the poison boiling beneath my skin. I'm pleading now for the Novocaine. It's been five months since his father died - five months since he left me waiting for him to return, and now this:

"... time away has helped. I won't be coming back - please, just forget me."

If I saw him now, I'd spit my venom into his face.
But I need to keep reminding myself to forget the anger... forget the anger... just remember how you loved him and how fiercely he loved you in return...

The second point has left me feeling just as empty and alone as the first.
Sasha's gone back home to Alberta, but hopes to be back in six months... six long months. Lucas, as expected, has taken off to Barcelona on short notice to join his father and sister. He really didn't think he'd be going anywhere, but what he thinks and what Mr Quinlan thinks are always two very different things. I'd say he'll be gone for about three months at the very least.
And lastly, J.J. went back to Miami to be with his family again and join his brother. Only when he got there he realised Will was no longer around and called me to tell me that Will must have run away up to NY with his muso buddies again. "To discover musical freedom." Whatever...
Anyway, J.J's return home must have snapped a reminder of his former life into Will which is probably why he wrote me that stupid letter...

So it's just Lena and I holding the fort. Sure there are the others, and its great having them here, but my nearest and dearest are officially out of the country for some time now, and I'm finding that Lena's naughty ways are rubbing off on me. With Will being a clearly dead end, I think I just might act out. How fun that sounds...

And thirdly, a year just ticked over marking Marianna's passing. I can't believe its been a year. A whole year since I heard her laugh, or held her hand or told her a secret. A whole year since she looked at me with those piercing blue eyes of hers and told me she knew a way she could make her sadness go away. A whole year since I'd failed her as a best friend, unable to notice what she was about to do to herself. And... that would mean its also been a year since I stepped foot on that stupid dance floor.

I tell myself over and over again that I should be able to dance - its all I know for Christs sake. But when I picture myself on that floor, all I can see is her falling. I can't lock away that image of her - in the white dress that I made her - falling before my eyes.


I'm scared I can't do it anymore. And what would be the point really - if she's not there to hold my hand as we win the National Championships?



***

Going out again tonight, possibly getting up to mischief. Its what I need - distraction. Lena is the perfect candidate for distraction. Bring on the Trouble.

Lonely

*Where have you all gone? Is J.J. in America, blood soaked in battle, fighting a war that no one can win? Is Lena standing on a cliff top screaming at Gods who cannot hear her, or perhaps do not even exist? Has Sasha returned to her Canada and found the Utopia she has always searched for? Maybe Lucas is lying dead on the floor of a Sicilian tavern, his last thoughts being "forever young, forever free". Or is my Will running barefoot down a lonely highway, towards the menacing storm in the distance, chasing a dream that once his fathers, with tears streaked across his face and anger flashing in his eyes because that dream is impossible to reach?*



My dream.

More like a nightmare though. It seems that the time has come for the crew to start disbanding, and I don't know what to make of it all. I don't know if I could face another day sane without any of them.

As if the whirlwind in this shite-fest of my existence isn't already overbearing enough with Will MIA, the prospect of my very best friends leaving soon really seems like its starting to drain what little is left of my life force. Well to be fair, Lena isn't actually going anywhere - she's just so fucked up all the time as a result of her pharm parties that she can't really be counted on anyway. And Lucas has said that he's sticking around, but that's only for now. Who knows when he's dad is going to decided to send him to Luxembourg or to New York without any given notice.

I suppose I'm sounding like a brat with dependency issues right about now. *Shrug* Too many things have changed in such a short time. I hate change. It just feels like everything is falling apart at the seams... My world has fallen apart.



And it's getting pretty lonely - not even Tosh is sitting at the piano anymore...



Sigh... It's been months now and I just want to know where he is, and if he's safe. Is that too much to ask?
OK, so let J.J. and Sasha go back home, so what if Lena's hardly ever lucid enough to have a decent conversation with or if Lucas packs his bags up and leaves tonight - just please, Will, send me some sort of sign that the world still holds you in it...

***

R.I.P. Leon Perez

If I had the guts to dance again, the first one I do would be just for you.

Bad Company

I know I haven't been the best company to be around lately. I just want to say now to the people in my life that I'm sorry I've become a mostly unresponsive lump. Sigh. Lately it just really feels like my head has been filled with Noise. People seem to be talking AT me rather than TO me, I'm too scared to dance - even after all these months - and the frustration building inside is painful.

And I keep having the same recurring dream:

*A single white dove, wings spread and gliding through the air. Tied around one of its ankles was a piece of white ribbon. It fluttered in the wind and the bird flew. It looked peaceful enough, beautiful even. And then the fast flash of deep crimson marred the pure whiteness of the birds feathers. As a leaf would flutter in the wind, it fell.*

Marianna...

***

Lucas has had enough of my being a sad-sack. He's taking me to the BoTan so we can watch Shakespeare in the Park. I remember raising an eyebrow when I saw the title on the flier he handed me: The Taming of the Shrew. How fitting.

***

Have you ever found yourself walking down a busy street, your thoughts far, far off in some distant place? And then suddenly all of your senses awaken and you snap out of your daydream, and look about sharply, as if you know something is about to happen, and as you look around you catch a glimpse of “it” through the crowd. “It” being something you can identify, but not put a name to. “It” not being something scary or harmful to yourself, but rather, something you want to run up to and embrace. However, after that split second you catch a glimpse of it, you loose it. Then you’re only left with the shadow of what you thought it was, what you hoped it was and the warm feeling of knowing it was there, but frantically searching for it again?

I miss Will more than I would've ever imagined...

Firsts

Glance: three doors down, on the lawn, seven years old.
Shared memory: rooftop ice creams all summer long
Realisation: a flick of the hair, shimmering like jewels in the afternoon sunlight.
Kiss: on the balcony, in the rain, causing shock waves.
Promise: look only to the future and forgive what was in the past - no matter how much it stole from you, no matter how much it hurt.
Goodbye: the airport, after the funeral, without certainty or any sort of clarity to grasp.

***

"if it were ever possible for us to ever exist together anywhere, it would be here, right now in this moment."

***

Forget your insecurities and remember the Strong You. The Vibrant You. Write again... laugh again... act on Stage again. Dance even, if you will permit yourself. This is not the end, its just the beginning. Yes he is gone, unable to be contacted and with no way of knowing if he'll ever even come back to you. BUT:

I need to remind myself what I still find beautiful in this world:

A purple sunset
Heart strings being moved by music
My kittens
The peace Great friendship brings
The first fleeting glances of attraction
Celebration in the rain

I need to be reminded of the words sung by Alanis (my Queen)...

"... that I would be Loved, even when I numb myself..."

***


You are a bubbling cauldron of emotions right this second. You can't place a finger on the exact emotions you feel. So here is just a short list of all that comes to mind:
Frustration, anger, guilt, jealousy, disappointment, torment, resentment, pain, irritation, burning passion, longing, confusion, loss, bitterness, amazement, fright, rage, conflict, hunger, defeat, deflated, overwhelmed, fuming, clingy, numb, battered, gutted, wonder, denial, shame, betrayal...


***

I suppose this is my first post. I'm sorry if it just doesn't cut it. Perhaps I should have written about how today is a beautiful day in Melbourne, how the sweet breeze is filtering through my open window and how the distant noise of an plane forming a low rumble in the sky is only too comforting. But the day doesn't reflect my mood. I guess I can only be too thankful for that. This morning it actually rained for the first time in weeks. Summer should be great.

But it all just reminds me of him, and how much his absence is cutting me - deeply, from the inside out.