So the recent Garden Adventures in the BoTan have been a great way to clear my mental mayhem. While the heat is no longer a heat wave, it still seems to have done substantial damage to my accute awareness, and it's taken days, if not weeks, for me to feel even close the peace I felt since before my menacing night out with Lena. Needless to say, whatever trouble we unleashed on Catani Gardens is still to catch up with us... Kharma has never been my friend, although I think i've been reasonably good up until my one very-Lena-influenced lapse. Being at the BoTan helped me think. Its not so easy to clear your head space from all the unnecessary clutter acquired over the last few months. I'm glad I found this quiet slice of privacy. I've lovingly dubbed it my Bamboo Haven. I suppose the tranquility allowed me to be at ease with myself again. I actually felt like dancing again while I was alone in there. I've gone through the idea over and over again since - could I really do it? Am I ready for it? Weighing up the pros and cons:
Pros: Dancing is my whole life and its all I know I'm good at it (and not to say that in any sort of arrogant way, but its actually something that I am genuinely good at.) It's my way of expressing myself creatively. Cons: Her. I'm always and constantly reminded of her. Every twirl, leap, step, every jump, every time I step on the floor, close my eyes, every time I even just think of dancing I think of Her.
It's days like today, when the heatwave ends and sanity returns, that I find myself sitting alone nursing my throbbing headache and battered conscience, asking myself where my I had left my inhibitions, attempting to join the dots but failing miserably. Note to self: When out with Lena... remember to pack a spare pair of knickers? don't do drugs? make her drink it before you do? remind yourself you're not gay? Sigh... Thankfully, the UDI (Unidentified Drunken Injury) count is not that high and the largest bruise is about the size of a 50cent coin on my upper outer thigh. So I've evaded the battered housewife glares this time around. UN-thankfully, there is a stream of photographic evidence that spills the beans on our random acts of rambunctious behaviour. Must remind myself to hunt... and destroy.
Found a bit of Luck that might help for next time though. After all, what goes on tour, stays on tour... right?
***
A terrible discovery:
My favourite t-shirt is ruined. Beach-ruined. Who should I hold responsible for this tragedy? Sigh... The others must be getting sick of my acting out. I know I really should get a grip and pull myself together... but really, i'm having far too much fun. I don't want to have to stop before the party ends. It really is a tragedy about my shirt though. It was my discreet-but-oh-so-special RaW t-shirt. Designed it myself... can't get that replaced now can I? The answer is no. That last part was rhetorical.
Chronological is boring. Memories and thoughts never present themselves to you in any sort of chronological order anyway. They just kind of randomly pop in and say "hi, can I use your grandma's Maxwell Williams bowl for my salad?" like the leprechaun sometimes does from next door - I digress. Regardless, I apologise now and only now for any sort of confusion you may think you experience whilst reading this blog. If it doesn't make sense to you, it probably wasn't meant to. And if you find you mostly understand it, I'd like to get lost in your book.
Images of My Melbourne
Grasping Happy
Center of my universe
My life...sorted
Quote unquote...
"Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence. There's no better rule." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
"They say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that... destruction is a form of creation, so the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things." Donnie, Donnie Darko
"What's the world's greatest lie?... It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate." Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
“Words are beautiful but restricted. They're very masculine, with a compact frame. But voice is over, the dark, the place where there's nothing to hang on: it comes from a part of yourself that simply knows, expresses itself, and is.” Jeff Buckley
"...that I would be good, even if I was no longer Queen." Alanis Morissette
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Nelson Mandela
"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams." Dr Seuss
I suppose the tranquility allowed me to be at ease with myself again. I actually felt like dancing again while I was alone in there. I've gone through the idea over and over again since - could I really do it? Am I ready for it? Weighing up the pros and cons:
