Bad Company

I know I haven't been the best company to be around lately. I just want to say now to the people in my life that I'm sorry I've become a mostly unresponsive lump. Sigh. Lately it just really feels like my head has been filled with Noise. People seem to be talking AT me rather than TO me, I'm too scared to dance - even after all these months - and the frustration building inside is painful.

And I keep having the same recurring dream:

*A single white dove, wings spread and gliding through the air. Tied around one of its ankles was a piece of white ribbon. It fluttered in the wind and the bird flew. It looked peaceful enough, beautiful even. And then the fast flash of deep crimson marred the pure whiteness of the birds feathers. As a leaf would flutter in the wind, it fell.*

Marianna...

***

Lucas has had enough of my being a sad-sack. He's taking me to the BoTan so we can watch Shakespeare in the Park. I remember raising an eyebrow when I saw the title on the flier he handed me: The Taming of the Shrew. How fitting.

***

Have you ever found yourself walking down a busy street, your thoughts far, far off in some distant place? And then suddenly all of your senses awaken and you snap out of your daydream, and look about sharply, as if you know something is about to happen, and as you look around you catch a glimpse of “it” through the crowd. “It” being something you can identify, but not put a name to. “It” not being something scary or harmful to yourself, but rather, something you want to run up to and embrace. However, after that split second you catch a glimpse of it, you loose it. Then you’re only left with the shadow of what you thought it was, what you hoped it was and the warm feeling of knowing it was there, but frantically searching for it again?

I miss Will more than I would've ever imagined...

Firsts

Glance: three doors down, on the lawn, seven years old.
Shared memory: rooftop ice creams all summer long
Realisation: a flick of the hair, shimmering like jewels in the afternoon sunlight.
Kiss: on the balcony, in the rain, causing shock waves.
Promise: look only to the future and forgive what was in the past - no matter how much it stole from you, no matter how much it hurt.
Goodbye: the airport, after the funeral, without certainty or any sort of clarity to grasp.

***

"if it were ever possible for us to ever exist together anywhere, it would be here, right now in this moment."

***

Forget your insecurities and remember the Strong You. The Vibrant You. Write again... laugh again... act on Stage again. Dance even, if you will permit yourself. This is not the end, its just the beginning. Yes he is gone, unable to be contacted and with no way of knowing if he'll ever even come back to you. BUT:

I need to remind myself what I still find beautiful in this world:

A purple sunset
Heart strings being moved by music
My kittens
The peace Great friendship brings
The first fleeting glances of attraction
Celebration in the rain

I need to be reminded of the words sung by Alanis (my Queen)...

"... that I would be Loved, even when I numb myself..."

***


You are a bubbling cauldron of emotions right this second. You can't place a finger on the exact emotions you feel. So here is just a short list of all that comes to mind:
Frustration, anger, guilt, jealousy, disappointment, torment, resentment, pain, irritation, burning passion, longing, confusion, loss, bitterness, amazement, fright, rage, conflict, hunger, defeat, deflated, overwhelmed, fuming, clingy, numb, battered, gutted, wonder, denial, shame, betrayal...


***

I suppose this is my first post. I'm sorry if it just doesn't cut it. Perhaps I should have written about how today is a beautiful day in Melbourne, how the sweet breeze is filtering through my open window and how the distant noise of an plane forming a low rumble in the sky is only too comforting. But the day doesn't reflect my mood. I guess I can only be too thankful for that. This morning it actually rained for the first time in weeks. Summer should be great.

But it all just reminds me of him, and how much his absence is cutting me - deeply, from the inside out.